Fest Blog: Lee 'Nelsy' Nelson: End of festival blog. Proper boss.
Lee Nelson
Posted 8 months ago by Evan Beswick
The Edinburgh festival is one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I’ve been here a week now and I still ain’t come across the main stage. Instead I’ve just seen a bunch of people with Southern accents claming they’re from Scotland. People keep trying to tell me that Scotland’s a different country but no one can actually prove it. Everything seems pretty much the same to me. The only thing I can see that’s different is Scottish money, and let’s be honest it’s not exactly breaking new ground - the same notes just in a different colour. Anyways what’s the point in having another country if it’s not a shit load hotter, with a beach, birds in bikinis and a well big red light district. I’ve only found 4 doorways in the whole city - yes they’re 10% cheaper but the girls are about 35% uglier.And if one more person tells me how special the Pleasance courtyard is again I’m going to knock their teeth out. Special? It’s just a bunch of posh wankers sitting on benches, sipping overpriced drinks and getting pissed on by the Edinburgh weather (which is like London in the Ice Age) while getting given more and more roach paper from people wearing lame outfits telling you why a show that they ain’t even seen is worth parting with a Paul McKenna for to sit in an overheated porta-cabin and have some ponce telling you about how his last year turned out after he spent it answering every question with the word Tuesday. Fuck off.
As for The Royal Mile. Stay well away. Unless your idea of fun is watching some drama student wanker cover himself in gold paint and stand still for 6 hours. Well I got him to move when I nicked the £12.38 from his hat. Luckily he was well stiff and I easily outpaced him and treated myself to a Subway toasted Chicken & Bacon Ranch special, extra mayo.
You know what has made me laugh. I met this geezer the other day called Barry Dodds. I couldn’t understand a bloody word he was saying, turns out he’s a Geordie and was just spouting Newcastle English. Proper funny. Try and chat to him if you get a chance.
My big tip for the festival would be to go to the cinema. Try the really big one on the roundabout. It’s got massive seats, nicely cooked hot dog and the bird who served me was 100% bangable. If I had to choose one film, I’d say Transformers. It’s a proper robotic mash up. I’ve seen it 4 times now and I still get a buzz when I see Megatron defrost. Quality.
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